Since I was a little kid, I’ve always said I wanted to be invisible. Not for any sad or traumatic reason, but I just like to observe. The world is loud, chaotic, and quite frankly, I just find people interesting.

But the world is scary and a little intimidating. I’ve always been skeptical of people with huge personalities, not that there’s anything wrong with that – but I’ve never understood how they were so comfortable with just putting themselves out there. Secretly, I envied them. When you make yourself present and known in an environment, you open yourself up to criticism and other people’s opinions. The world is not always a kind place.

I’m afraid of judgment, which is somewhat ironic considering I have a blog where I post to the public but still. This is a controlled space, calculated, and I determine what to share and what not to. When you’re just out there, existing, people see you. And they have thoughts and opinions. Not all of them are negative, I would be willing to argue that most aren’t and don’t have malicious intent. However, I’ve realized that I’m a pessimist. People are out to get me, out to hurt me. Whether that seems to be hurting me emotionally or physically depends on how I perceive the situation. As I’ve gained more life experience and with the help of therapy, I’ve realized that this isn’t necessarily the case.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I just feel things deeply. This is a bit of a double-edged sword because it has made me extremely empathetic, but it also makes me feel like the responses I receive when I interact with other people are personal attacks. As I said before, most people are not out to hurt me or cause me harm, yet that’s how I see those interactions. I’ve now identified this as a defense mechanism. I don’t want to hear criticism or feedback that seems negative to me because I don’t want it to serve the self-fulfilling prophecy that I’ve created that I am simply not good enough.

With this mindset, I’m actually hurting myself rather than being hurt by others. As a result, I grow distant and cut people off because I’m afraid of making close, genuine connections. I don’t want people to see the real me because I still haven’t figured out who she is yet.

The person that I was was vulnerable, unsure of her place in the world, and did not want to be hurt. I still don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings no matter the situation because I know how damaging another person’s words and actions can be. But let’s be realistic, the world is filled with other people whose thoughts and actions we cannot control. They are entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs and may not be afraid to share their feelings with others or mince words.

The person I am becoming is learning to take things for what they are, not to try to read between the lines and understand that most things may not fit my narrative or logic. That doesn’t inherently mean that they’re wrong, I just have different feelings about them. At 26 years old, I have accepted that I can’t be invisible. And that’s okay. At this point, I just want to be seen for who I am. To do this, I have to be my authentic self. I have to accept that everyone has varying perspectives and that this is perfectly normal, but more importantly, that it’s alright. I would rather be judged on who I truly am instead of the person I want people to believe I am. I have to own who I am. Embrace the good, the bad, the flaws, and what makes me unique. The world may be scary, but I’m finding my place in it.

All along, I’ve wanted to be seen. I’m still afraid and jump to conclusions sometimes, but I’m learning to work through it. I just had to take the leap and do it.